The "D" Word
Being single is tough. Well, I can say that because I am. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from what I've observed. And what I've observed is that dating is hard. That's right, the "D" word. I get so discourage that I don't even really want to hear that stinking word anymore.
But why? Why is it so hard and frustrating and confusing? And I'm not saying that I am an expert or anything, but maybe the things I've learned will help us all to simplify dating.
Where to start. Well how about with the first date. I think we all get it into our heads that the first date means something way more than it is. We think that there has to be a lot more before the first date, or "Hanging Out". Elderly people gasp and cringe at the word. Why? Because it's horrid. It's horrid in the way that we get comfortable "hanging out" instead of dating each other. We think that we have to be into this person romantically before we go on a date with them. We are terrified and repulsed when someone less than desirable asks us on a date. What is wrong with going on a bunch of dates with a bunch of different people? The first date is supposed to be fun and help you get to know a certain person on a personal level.
Now, again, I'm not saying that dating is easy. It seems simple though, right? Just date a bunch of people. but there is the fear of rejection. Well, I think we both need to buck up on that one. Girls need to stop saying no and guys need to ask more! Guys, don't ask the prettiest girl in the room and then give up. Ask all the girls in the room, and then you can say you've been putting in all your effort. Girls, don't say no just because he doesn't look like Christ Pratt!
Anyway, date, and do it a lot. Then, THEN, you can think about whether or not you are interested in this person. This is when we move into the "courting" period. Courting is being exclusive with just one person. Stop dating other people at this point. Don't keep flirting with others at this point. Don't cuddle with other girls or other dudes at this point. That should be pretty clear. Oh and COMMUNICATE. You should not slide into this next step, you should know full well that you are in a relationship. "It's complicated" really just means "we don't talk about our issues". When you are courting someone, you should still be going on dates with this person. Take turns planning dates.
By the way, a date really is the three "Ps"-Planned for, paid for, and paired off. THIS IS IMPORTANT. You must have all three established for it to be a date. She needs to know you care, that you took TIME to plan this thing, and time aside for her. Don't go talk to her roommates the whole time, or your buddies, PAIRED OFF MEANS BE WITH HER. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to talk to anyone else, but let her know that you are with her for those few hours or so. It makes a HUGE difference. We do notice. Same applies for girls. Don't flirt with other dudes while you are with your date. Even if your date is boring, it is rude.
Now that we've established what a date is and that courtship comes after you have stopped dating other people, then we move into Engaged. Again, you cannot slide into this. It is mutual and clear where the relationship is headed. You should still be going on dates too. Don't just netflix and order pizza every night, go do something together! This will help you to be together, talking, and keep a friendship, rather than just converging couch potatoes.
Then you get married. I guess. Haven't really gotten this far. But I'm sure it's great and there's lots of planning that goes on here. Just know that if things are not going well during dating, it will not change or get better just because you are married. If you can't work things out while you are dating, than marriage will look about the same. Your relationship with them before marriage is very similar to what it will look like when you get married.
Lastly, we oughta take a look at this chart. Because you are tired of reading my words.
Back to my words. It's a pretty clear chart. If you don't know her name, don't made out with her. Simple as that. If you don't trust them, don't be committed to them. Get to KNOW this person FIRST. Talk to them. You know, with your mouth. Not your hands. Don't get physical with someone unless they really mean something to you. Because it will mean a lot to them. You will get attached to each other and not be able to make rationale choices anymore. You are so blindly committed to this person that you can't see the red flags. And please, I don't want to have to tell you that Non Committal Make-outs (NCMOs) are no bueno. Just don't do it. It is not healthy and doesn't bring lasting happiness. It is temporary. Plus you make attachments that are purely based on physical touch rather than mutual interests and friendship. That is not love! I don't care what Hollywood says or how hot she is or he is, PLEASE don't do it.
Alright folks, let's wrap this up. Go make some friends. Talk to people. And not just on tinder, but in real life. Have fun! Meeting people is fun. And don't set super high expectations for them. We are all learning here, so be patient. Here's a fun article about a girl who got 16 dates in one semester because she was a friend. Take a look if you want.
http://ldsmag.com/article-1-12419/
Also, this is a talk called "Hooking Up, Hanging out and Celestial Marriage". One of my favorite talks on dating! And quite enjoyable: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/bruce-a-chadwick_hanging-hooking-celestial-marriage/
But why? Why is it so hard and frustrating and confusing? And I'm not saying that I am an expert or anything, but maybe the things I've learned will help us all to simplify dating.
Where to start. Well how about with the first date. I think we all get it into our heads that the first date means something way more than it is. We think that there has to be a lot more before the first date, or "Hanging Out". Elderly people gasp and cringe at the word. Why? Because it's horrid. It's horrid in the way that we get comfortable "hanging out" instead of dating each other. We think that we have to be into this person romantically before we go on a date with them. We are terrified and repulsed when someone less than desirable asks us on a date. What is wrong with going on a bunch of dates with a bunch of different people? The first date is supposed to be fun and help you get to know a certain person on a personal level.
Now, again, I'm not saying that dating is easy. It seems simple though, right? Just date a bunch of people. but there is the fear of rejection. Well, I think we both need to buck up on that one. Girls need to stop saying no and guys need to ask more! Guys, don't ask the prettiest girl in the room and then give up. Ask all the girls in the room, and then you can say you've been putting in all your effort. Girls, don't say no just because he doesn't look like Christ Pratt!
Anyway, date, and do it a lot. Then, THEN, you can think about whether or not you are interested in this person. This is when we move into the "courting" period. Courting is being exclusive with just one person. Stop dating other people at this point. Don't keep flirting with others at this point. Don't cuddle with other girls or other dudes at this point. That should be pretty clear. Oh and COMMUNICATE. You should not slide into this next step, you should know full well that you are in a relationship. "It's complicated" really just means "we don't talk about our issues". When you are courting someone, you should still be going on dates with this person. Take turns planning dates.
By the way, a date really is the three "Ps"-Planned for, paid for, and paired off. THIS IS IMPORTANT. You must have all three established for it to be a date. She needs to know you care, that you took TIME to plan this thing, and time aside for her. Don't go talk to her roommates the whole time, or your buddies, PAIRED OFF MEANS BE WITH HER. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to talk to anyone else, but let her know that you are with her for those few hours or so. It makes a HUGE difference. We do notice. Same applies for girls. Don't flirt with other dudes while you are with your date. Even if your date is boring, it is rude.
Now that we've established what a date is and that courtship comes after you have stopped dating other people, then we move into Engaged. Again, you cannot slide into this. It is mutual and clear where the relationship is headed. You should still be going on dates too. Don't just netflix and order pizza every night, go do something together! This will help you to be together, talking, and keep a friendship, rather than just converging couch potatoes.
Then you get married. I guess. Haven't really gotten this far. But I'm sure it's great and there's lots of planning that goes on here. Just know that if things are not going well during dating, it will not change or get better just because you are married. If you can't work things out while you are dating, than marriage will look about the same. Your relationship with them before marriage is very similar to what it will look like when you get married.
Lastly, we oughta take a look at this chart. Because you are tired of reading my words.
Back to my words. It's a pretty clear chart. If you don't know her name, don't made out with her. Simple as that. If you don't trust them, don't be committed to them. Get to KNOW this person FIRST. Talk to them. You know, with your mouth. Not your hands. Don't get physical with someone unless they really mean something to you. Because it will mean a lot to them. You will get attached to each other and not be able to make rationale choices anymore. You are so blindly committed to this person that you can't see the red flags. And please, I don't want to have to tell you that Non Committal Make-outs (NCMOs) are no bueno. Just don't do it. It is not healthy and doesn't bring lasting happiness. It is temporary. Plus you make attachments that are purely based on physical touch rather than mutual interests and friendship. That is not love! I don't care what Hollywood says or how hot she is or he is, PLEASE don't do it.
Alright folks, let's wrap this up. Go make some friends. Talk to people. And not just on tinder, but in real life. Have fun! Meeting people is fun. And don't set super high expectations for them. We are all learning here, so be patient. Here's a fun article about a girl who got 16 dates in one semester because she was a friend. Take a look if you want.
http://ldsmag.com/article-1-12419/
Also, this is a talk called "Hooking Up, Hanging out and Celestial Marriage". One of my favorite talks on dating! And quite enjoyable: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/bruce-a-chadwick_hanging-hooking-celestial-marriage/
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